I’m Not Okay…But I Will Be

I was planning on taking this week’s blog post a whole different route and just give you ladies some pieces of advice on a topic I’m still learning myself. I was wondering why it was taking me so long to write and why I just wasn’t into it and I think it’s because I’ve been in such a bad place (on the inside) that I couldn’t put my heart into this. Today I simply just want to vent. I don’t want to follow any SEO rules, format this blog with subtitles and links, I just want to be open and honest with you guys in hopes that it will help someone else get through their own rough patch.

The way I started this sounds SUPER sad I know, but I said from the beginning I want this to be an open and honest safe space to talk about anything that’s weighing you down or disturbing your peace. So when I felt this come over my spirit I literally stopped doing my work (shhh) and started typing (I’ll probably be typing through tears by the time its done).

I have these moments where I just don’t want to talk to anyone. Like nobody did anything to me, said anything hurtful, I just want to go in my room and not talk. Now I know this sounds like something so normal and I know most people have these moments, but the thing that’s concerning me is that the moment won’t pass. Everybody who’s close to me knows what it means when I say, “I’m in a mood” or “I’m having a moment” they just give me my space (sometimes) until I come peaking in their door because I want attention. For the past few months I’ve been finding myself in these moods for at least two or three days straight, and its been getting harder and harder to shake them. On the outside looking in I look like I’m living my best life and I’m just the funny friend trying to make everyone else feel better, but I do that to help me not think about my own problems and to simply be there for everyone else.

The thing that really irritates me when I get like this is that I can NEVER pinpoint what happened to get me here, so that leads to me feeling crazy and hurting people because they think its them. Now that’s the last thing I want to do because I have the world’s best family and friends, but when this happens I just don’t want to care how it makes everyone else feel I just wanna sink into it until it subsides. What I can say is that I truly feel that a lot of times it stems from circumstances, some of which are not in my control. I am a chronic overthinker so when I think about one thing that’s going wrong I think about EVERYTHING I feel is going wrong in my life. A lot of things haven’t been happening the way I want like not being able to register for Fall quarter because I owe my school money, not getting a car because my credit took a hit from student loans and credit card debt, not having money to pay off said debt, working my ASS off and still having no money, not feeling the best in my body, etc etc. So when I think about one of these things they all decide to join the party and stomp all over the little bit of joy I was just starting to feel.

Now, even though I just threw a whole pity party and was the Debbiest of all downers I’m still trying to pull myself out of this hole that I honestly dug myself. The thing that really got me scared when discussing how I’m feeling is the fact that it sounds so much like depression. That scares the shit out of me because I know that can lead to many other things that are way worse. I know we joke about depression day in and day out but it is REAL and people are losing their lives to it (I am nowhere near that point btw). I just don’t want to let it consume me because I have SO much to be grateful for and so many reasons to truly live.

With that being said I try my hardest everyday to remember those things. To wake up thanking God for simply waking me up because somebody somewhere didn’t, thanking him for the AMAZING people I get to have in my life, for the opportunities that have been afforded to me, and the fact that I am here. I get to feel these struggles, I get to feel sadness, I get to feel happiness, I get to feel life everyday and that itself is something to be grateful for. I know its easier said than done and everyone may not have the things I listed above but there has to be SOMETHING, something that gets you out of bed everyday, that brings joy into your heart, that makes you feel like you’re doing something right. Find that something and hold on to it for dear life because that’s what will pull you out of that hole and help you keep fighting and keep pushing so gracefully and beautifully to your next level.

If nobody told you today I believe in you, I love you, and I am PROUD OF YOU and remember to tell YOURSELF that everyday.

not okay giphy

Bye for now!

“Give yourself another day, another chance. You will find your courage eventually. Don’t give up on yourself just yet.” -Unknown

*You always have someone to talk to. You can reach out to me at ANYTIME and I’ve included a link to some hotlines. You’re not alone.*

Depression hotlines. 


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